Originally published on the blog I started for my bookkeeping biz, but in my heart, this post belongs here at My Remembering Place! So here it is. 🙂

For quite a long time now I’ve been wanting to write on this blog again.

There have been many reasons (for better or worse) why I have not.  Also, there have been many buts that have come up for me.  Here are just a crucial few of them:

I want to write a blog post…

…But I need to update the website to reflect the change in my business model.
…But if I’m going to write, it should be an e-zine since I just disappeared in February and haven’t written a *monthly* e-zine since!
…But I’d have to be super vulnerable and share a very tender story about what’s been happening with me.
…But I have no idea how what I’m wanting to write ties into the services I offer on my current website.

Each of those excuses reasons came up (along with many others of course) in the above order.  And those four things DO need to happen, at some point, and hopefully some point soon.  I want to update my website to communicate the change of my business model to that of a soul proprietor.  I really do need to send some sort of update to my e-zine, bringing my beloved subscribers up to speed.  And so on and so forth.  Of course those are good reasons, which is why they are not excuses.

Yet it took the arrival of the fourth reason for me to realize that everything that’s been percolating within me regarding my business, my true calling, and my reason for being in the world is finally, I believe, coming together within me.

And that’s an incredibly intense feeling to experience.  And it’s something that’s moved me enough that I’m finally willing to overcome all of those reasons above and just write the damn blog post I’ve been wanting to somehow write.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been soul searching and seeking my true calling; a way to use my Divinely inspired gifts to help heal the world.  And I do believe, all the way to the core of my being, that the way I provide my clients with business bookkeeping services is indeed a very healing presence in the world of business.

It has always been critically important to me that my work have meaning, much to the chagrin of many a boss to whom I submitted my resignation, even amidst their pleas of “please stay on board with us, you do such impeccable work!”  For me, simply being good at what I was doing, even being really great at it, simply was not enough.

For me, the work had to matter.  It had to make a difference.

And since starting my own business in January of 2006, it has.  To some degree.  And for that I am especially grateful.  I have been supremely blessed along the way and cherish each and every individual I’ve ever had the honor of working with in my bookkeeping business, whether as a monthly client or as a one-time consulting or coaching engagement.  Whether we’ve spent hours together on the phone or in person, or I’ve simply been the “behind the scenes” virtual bookkeeper.

But – and this one is an important but for me – over the course of the past two years, I’ve been on an unexpected and incredibly tumultuous journey within my business and, quite frankly, within my entire life, perhaps even within my entire being.  And over the past six or so weeks, give or take, as I’ve started to come out on the other side of a six month period that contained what could have been viewed and experienced as the most devastating set of circumstances to simultaneously befall any one person, any one couple, any one family, and any one business – I’ve been noticing that I really learned new things, BIG things.  I’ve undergone another transformation.

The reality is I’ve absorbed and integrated lessons from the experiences of my entire life that are just begging to be shared with the world.  And I’m thirsting for connection, real and intense connection, with others who are on this journey of being in business alongside me.

I know that I have something to share with the world, something of significance and importance.  Something that can truly help others, in so many ways.

I just don’t yet know HOW.

I know the WHAT on a deep unspoken level.

And I ask for help.  I pray, I meditate, I dance the Dance of Shiva.  I surrender.  I prostrate.  I cry.  I talk to friends and colleagues.  I work with coaches.  I empty myself of all the pain and fear and frustration and emotion.  And then I reconnect with the pain, the fear, the frustration, and all of the expansive emotions all over again.  And I ask for help again.

I put one foot in front of the other and I do whatever it takes to stay in connection, following Divine Guidance one step at a time, as it is revealed to me, and I ride the love to make it through each and every day.

So if the guidance that I’ve been receiving, over and over again, is to write, why is it so damn hard to write?

I think it’s because my head gets in the way.  (That’s pretty ironic, isn’t it? Me thinking that it’s my head getting in the way.)

I used to write online, publicly, in a pretty well known online journal.  (Yes, back before sites like these were called ‘blogs.)  I poured my heart, my soul, and all the painful and pretty details of my life out onto the virtual page for anyone and everyone to read.  It was self-therapy and others were invited to witness me and my journey.

And before that I created an internet support community for people with a very unique way of being in and experiencing their world (of which I was also a member).  Those incredible people desperately needed to break their isolation if they were ever going to have a chance of survival, literally.  And I showed up for them.  I stood up and said, “I’m with you. I’m strong and I can help you to be strong too. We can get through this together. We will overcome, survive, and thrive.”  And we have!  That group, thanks to one of my most devoted, generous, caring, and kind-hearted original members, is still going strong today – TEN years later!

Back then, I wrote from my heart, with wild abandon, on a daily basis.  And it helped people.  In both cases I had started writing online not out of any sense of creating a livelihood.  I wrote because I was called to do so and my heart was leading the way, every step of every day.

When I started my business in January of 2006, I did so from decisions that I made in my head.  I had been working at my new job at a small CPA firm in my hometown for just a few days when I discovered that the firm was completely insolvent and flat out broke.  I’d left a low-paying yet very conveniently scheduled shift job at a Chiropractic Wellness office to take a much higher-paying job at an CPA firm that was BROKE?

What the heck was I going to do?  My family and I (at that time my husband who was working as a Call Center Manager and my 10 month old daughter) had just months before moved into our very first home and I *had* to work in order to contribute to paying our massive monthly mortgage payment.

So I put my brain to work and figured out how to create a job for myself.  And I loved every minute of it.  I loved the challenge of starting a business.  I loved the benefits and even the struggles of being self-employed.  I was enthralled by an environment where every hour was something new and different and where I was the one able to affect real change within my own organization.

My business began to grow and thrive and I realized I’d started writing the next chapter of my life story.

And now here I am.  Facing a very interesting and incredibly intense confluence of two aspects of my life that have for the most part remained separate: my bookkeeping business AND my way of writing from my heart and about my life.

I don’t know how to write without writing my life.  I don’t know how to write without fully showing up, from my heart, vulnerable and honest.  I don’t know how to write without sharing, really sharing, who I am and what’s real for me.

So if it’s my writing and business that have remained almost exclusively separate, is my business all head and no heart?

Far from it.

I do know how to bring my heart into my business.  Because I learned it!

I began consciously living the spiritual practice of being in business in late 2007 when I started to really follow and absorb the teachings of Mark Silver (of Heart of Business).  In January of 2008 I participated in his course called Opening the Moneyflow and after weeks of sitting in Remembrance (a simple yet powerful spiritual practice that allows you to access your heart) and getting what felt like NOTHING as a result, suddenly (it seemed) the floodgates opened and I’ve been able to stay in connection on a pretty regular basis since.

I bring my heart into almost all aspects of my business.  I sit in Remembrance when I need to make big business decisions, figure out how to price an offer, navigate a sticky correspondence with an non-ideal client, tell someone how I really feel about their business’s money situation, and so forth.

So I’m no stranger to breaking down this head vs. heart barrier.  I’m actually amazed at how often I can now get my head and heart to work in cooperation.

So here I am, doing it right now.  My head is pretty freaked out right now.  The dialogue is going a little something like this:

Why in the world would you want to EXPOSE your personal STUFF for the world to see when what you’re trying, scratch that, NEEDING to do is MAKE MONEY and make a living to support yourself and your family????? Why would you want people to see how much you’ve struggled and how STRANGE you are!?!?! You’d actually share your MONEY stories on a PUBLIC blog!?

And my heart, in its compassionate, gentle, and loving way is saying:

Oh dear head.  I get it.  I hear you.  And I know you’re scared.  I know you don’t want to be judged.  And you don’t want to take a big risk and see the results fall flat.  Or worse, look like a dummy.  You’re worried.  It’s okay to feel that way.  It’s okay to be cautious and practical and I know you want to protect us.  Thank you.  Thank you for sharing that with me.

My head then replies:

But aren’t you supposed to follow a formula?  Isn’t there a format used for writing in business?  Shouldn’t you be addressing a problem, sorting out the OTHER person’s challenges, and not blabbing on about your own STUFF?  Is anyone even going to want to read about what we’ve been through?  Who cares about us?  Don’t people just care about their own business and their own life?

My heart pauses and then says:

Following your heart and listening to the Guidance IS a formula.  It’s the only formula we need.  In life AND in business.  Let the fear guide you to ask me your questions and let me help you find the answer.  Sharing our story is what we’re being called to do.  In our business and in our life!  We are not separate.  We are not apart from one another nor is our business separate and apart from our life.  Our life is what makes us who we are and our business is an extension of us!  We must fully show up in order for our business to be its fullest expression of itself!  And that is what the world most wants and needs from us!  What we truly have to offer, in all its messy and complicated glory.

And the beauty of it all?  My head is actually at the point where it trusts my heart, just enough at least, to listen!  Not always, but on most days, and definitely on days where I give my heart enough time to talk my head through whatever it’s thinking.

So here I am.  Following the Guidance.  Even if it doesn’t make 100% sense yet.  Even if my ramblings about running my business as a component of my spiritual practice don’t resonate with everyone.  Even if my blog ends up seeming like a kitchen sink of thoughts and observations that aren’t tied together overall by some perfectly perfected theme.  Even if I’m not really sure that my new offer will be the one that people take me up on.

Even though I’m terribly afraid it’s going to be like this past Autumn (I think it was in the fall), when I poured my heart and soul into a class offer that I felt so incredibly called to offer to the world and no. one. signed. up.  No one.  I had one single inquiry in response to the offer (which I believed was irresistible to at least a handful of people!) and that one inquiry, thank goodness, was enough to at least take enough of the edge off that I’m not permanently scarred and unwilling to put another offer out there.

Because my heart would never get over it if I gave up.  I’m not the type to quit.  I’ve never been a quitter.

In most aspects of my life, I’ve had to survive.  And some days, I feel like I actually thrive.  (But those are stories for another day.)

So now I just need my heart’s help to convince my head that it’s okay to blog for business without understanding exactly how the blogging and the business unite.  Because I have no intention of giving up my current bookkeeping business.  I love offering that service to the solopreneurs and micro business owners of the world.  It’s a core component of what I have to offer.

I just want to bring something more.  Something that’s more heart and less head.

Oooooh!  My goodness!  I think something just clicked.  (See why I love to write without any preconceived expectations of what I’m about to write?!)

My Hands-Free Monthly Bookkeeping offer helps with the practical nuts and bolts aspect of dealing with money.  It’s for those folks who absolutely love being in business, but just cannot stand the numbers side from a mechanical standpoint and certainly have no desire to keep up with the processing of paperwork into business financials.  It’s the concrete stuff of business.  It helps with the head-side of being self-employed.

My new offer, which I’ve tentatively named Money Matters Coaching, is all about the heart. (And yes, this blog post precedes the creation of that course’s landing page!) It’s about the feelings small business owners have about money.  It’s about how your heart reacts to money matters.  It’s the stuff that you can avoid addressing and still stay in business, but with a whole lot more heartache and far more struggle than is truly necessary.  It helps work through and embrace the stuff that can really make the difference between doing the work of your business and thriving in business.  It’s for those entrepreneurial types who need to talk through their money stuff with someone they can trust.

And *that’s* the stuff I’m wanting to write about.
; I don’t want to write about the practical aspects of bookkeeping.  That’s the stuff I do FOR my clients, so I don’t feel moved to teach them HOW to do it themselves.  It’s the heart of money that I’m wanting to share with you, here on this blog.  It’s the struggles and how they actually help us to breakthrough and learn new things about ourselves and our businesses.  It’s the incredible healing power of money and business and being self-employed.  It’s the places we started from and where we are now.  It’s all the lessons we’ve learned along the way.  It’s about embracing radical changes for the betterment of our businesses, our selves, and all those around us.

Those are the things I’m wanting to write about and share with you.  The heart side of money.

And my blogging?  It’s also about me, showing up, fully present in the world.  Putting my stuff out here so you can really get to know me.

It’s going to be about who I am, in business AND in my life.  It will be about my journey in the world – where I came from, how I got here, and what I’ve experienced and learned.  It will be personal.  And yes, it is still a business blog.

I am feeling called, so deeply called, to share my stories with you, both personal and “professional” (whatever the heck that means anyway!).  So I am willing to overcome the fear, the pure terror actually, of showing up FULLY as my self, 100%, within the framework of my business, in order to let you really get to know me.

Because if you don’t know me, why would you trust me?  And if you don’t trust me, why would you want to show up with your money stuff and sit down with me on my doorstep to sort it out?

I’ve got an open doorstep, an open heart, and I’m willing to share my stories (the good, the bad, and the ugly – all of which are simply real) with you.  I hope that if you feel called to do the same, you’ll share your stories, your business challenges, your questions, and your money matters with me.  So that you can get the help and the hope that you’re most needing.  It’s what I have to offer the world and I thank you for being on this journey, in whatever form makes sense for you, with me!